How am I supposed to feel?

Everyday I find myself getting weaker and weaker. I know I have to stay strong but what am I supposed to live for? Sure there are people out there that care. But what about myself? What am I supposed to live for. I have nothing.. I continuously fuck up everything good that EVER happens to me. Whether it be school, a girlfriend, an amazing job, or even just driving down the road. I FUCK IT UP. I never learn from my mistakes. What good is it being human if I never learn? I'm like that retarded monkey who never learns to peel the banana before he takes a bite. I now have nothing at all. My so called "friends" are fading away. I'm becoming what I always feared. A distant memory. If I had succeeded in my suicide 4 years ago. would it have made that much difference? I'm still the fading memory. I'm still nothing at all. I haven't improved even a smidgen. I try and change for people. I do everything I can to assure your happiness and you threw me away, for what? WHY? I will never understand and every time I think of it it brings tears to my eyes. I tried SO hard for you. Of course I'm not over you. But I won't let you get me down. I'll toss you to the side in the same way. You made me incredibly happy every day in a way I cant even explain. And now its over. I never did anything to you. Not even once i swear. Why'd you drop me like that? Thats all I want to know from you. why? But its ok i dont care if i ever find out. Mary Jane will always be there to smooth things out. I cant sleep now. Im going to go have a cigarette, a cheap replacement for the weed im currently out of.