oh jeez. <3

so this weekend. was amazing. and I would repeat it over and over again. I can't believe I found someone like her. she's amazing. <3 I can't wait to see her again. [: I hope I win my game tomorow, cus she'll be there. lawl. [:

school today

is gunna either blow balls or be ok. last night was ridiculous and it doesn't need to happen ever again. /: I need help.

uhhh

I hasn't posted in awhile. all in all day of silence went pretty good. thank you guys who understood and you guys that joined in. I love you all. <333

Friday out of ten: 9

ahaha

it's three am and I just toked it up with my cat. he's so high. xD
spring break so far ((7/10))

aha. [:

I'm a shy mofucka. xD we only got to hang for like twentyish minutes. if it had been longer woudlnt have been as nrvous aha today was good. friday((8))10 <3

holy shit. xD

ohkay. so me and kristina were in her car and daniel ans melissa in the other. they sped up and we followed speeding up too. he got in front of us and slammed brakes. little did we know omfg cop. xDD so we get pulled for doing sixty and we couldnt find the registration and ha no insurance card xD she she got three warnings instead of a two hundred fortyone dollar ticket. yay for nice cops. xD kristina no more stopping at yellow lights. jeez xD. all in all it was pretty freaking funn. and i gave her all my monies for gas. xDDD

fuck everything.

i hate my fucking parents. i am leaving this house when im sixteen. anyone know where i could stay please? i mean it seriously. i need somewhere to stay for the summer.

Hahaha. [:

So three things I cannot wait for.

Friday. [:
Tomorrow night!!
One night next week.

Tomorrow equals seeing The Devil Wears Prada, A Day To Remember, Emarosa, Sky Eats Airplane @ the HOB Orlando. ;D
That'll be so kickass.
Friday equals secret plans. [:
It will be kickass.
One night next week equals more secret plans. [: ((Includes seeing The Haunting of Connecticut :DD))

Jeez, I've been oh so sad and stuff forever. But she is exactly what I needed to kickstart my happy meter. [: I've been happier the past three days then I have been since the incident. And I HAD to write this to get out pent up happiness. My chest was booming. So yeah. I'll be excitable because of the concert and happier towards everyone. [:

Mon/10((7))
Tues/10((9))

<2+1

Square.

The square is pretty great. It's so easy to rid yourself of unwanted emotions there in the form of, being yourself! ;D I met this pretty great person tonight. Hopefully all goes well. She's really cute. <2+1
FUCK.

Friday out of ten: 8ish actually. [:

Yes Ally, I'm going to put up my ratings again, just for you! <2+1

I

I need to get away. Far, far away. Possibly oblivion far away. Will you see me ever again? If you did, would you recognize me? Who knows.

Alesana + Drop Dead, Gorgeous = a Bitchin' Kickass of a time. [:

So the concert was fucking great. as soon as we got their we moshed in the pit and James busted his lip. xDDD then we went back out after he went to the bathroom to clean up and moshed more. >D Freaking it was great until this huge fat chick decided to jump all over me. D< so i kicked her in the vag and she backed offf. so yeah it was fucking amazing. can't wait till Chaos and then AP tour. >DDD then after that, who knows? 8D



<2+1

No.

It's happening again. Why? I don't want to feel this way. I mean, I do, but I don't. I want it to happen, yet it never will? But if I try, it will ruin a great blooming friendship. I'll just let this one be. It's not worth it to ruin the friendship. Not at all.

JAMES!

It won't let me comment, otherwise I would have been the first. "/
Anyhow, here goes.

james,
your a pretty great friend. though sometimes i feel left out when you say stuff like you want to come over on sunday or whatever and you end up at kristinas. xP but the concerts shall make up for that. ;D your pretty much my best guy friend i have and i can tell you anything. i'm glad i have to you rant at and to get opinions on things from. thanks, without you i really don't think i could've made it this far. it's times like right now that i glad i met you and that were friends. thanks, really, for being their.

Haha..haa...ahh...well.

I really want to rant rant rant all about/too one person. but then again i don't. but i probably will anyway, like now...

you wanna know why? really, really why? it's because i love you. i really do. how could i not? it doesn't just go away. i tried waiting on it to go away. it doesn't. and before at least i had the option to talk to you. now i can't even do that. when you said you "never wanted to talk to me again." that one day. it was like the end of everything. and now it's like you've said it again. this time, you aren't in a rage, or anything; your you and that's your decision. theres nothing i can do about it but yeah. i absolutely hate grease. i was only doing it for you, and now mr riddle wont let me quit. so i have to sit in their with you right across the room for 2 hours. and i can't talk to you. much less look at you. it's still so hard to be at school and pay attention to anything. it's ridiculous. most of the time i have my head down and am thinking of you, or something to do with you. completely insane. fuck. i just want to go insane and have people spoon feed me the rest of my life. and i'm glad i found marijuana. it makes me a lot happier when i smoke and how everything melts away. it's freaking great. <2+1

ASDFGHJKL;

Everything is a lost cause. People are always telling me everything is going to be ohkay. But nothing is going to be ohkay until I move way far from here. Fresh start, I just keep telling myself. All you need is a fresh start next year at Leesburg. Just power through the rest of this year and you'll be fine. I need to make it. It matters very much towards my life. I have to get through this year. And I absolutely can't wait for school to be over. I'ma get fucked up and hit so many concerts. Believe it!
<2+1

Feeling. It's only a sensation of the mind.

I really have no clue what I want to write about, though I'll probably ramble on later. I still want to talk to you, but good luck with the chorus thing.

So today was ohkay I guess. Bleh. I'ma go out tonight and go crazy. I have no pursuits in life right now. I know I want to play the guitar well and I know I want to be done with school. Thats about all.

Thursday out of ten: 7

Why?

Why?

Why what?

Why do I want to talk to you?
Why do I still feel the way I do?
Why do I even bother staying alive?

There are a lot of why's.


And Ally; I know that their are people that care for me. My family will always care for me. But if I was no longer on this earth right now. If I had succeeded on that day. I would be but a distant memory on everyone's minds. My family would be the only humans still grieving. That's not how I want to be remembered so I'm glad I didn't die that day. But that is how I know that I am alone. I'm not alone with family involved, but otherwise I am utterly alone.


Wednesday out of ten: 5

Now.

As I watched. I saw everything fall out of place. But how? It had fit so perfectly. Except for the one jagged LIE.

I might as well lie upon the floor, crying, and give up on everything.
It would do no harm.
No one would care as much as they want me to believe they do.
I really am ALL ALONE.

Where too now?

I'll keep my hands to myself... ((and way from you.))
what more can I say, ((I tried, once again.))
what more can I say? ((Nothing.))
In this instance as you reach across the floor... ((I scorned you.))
Awkward silences, I can't take you looking in. ((Not if you can't talk.))
Is this the fear that brings us to our knees? ((To our knees.))
(Causing hearts) to disintegrate, ((Shattered.))
(I'll never) learn from the mistakes... ((Not ever. Just like Lestat.))
a victim's torn to pieces. ((My first blood.))
Let's make a deal so that in the end I'll be left in the fire. ((I'll sacrifice it all only so your happy.))
You're two steps ahead and I'm lost in regrets ((I can't seem to let them go.))
(are you so scared of this feeling?).. ((This feeling of being close again?))
with the face of the clock and a gun at my fingertips. ((Your pulling the trigger))
Face of the clock and a gun at my fingertips, and one last breath.. ((Pull it, now.))
no, a sigh of relief for the futile attempt. ((And alas I'm not dead yet.))
The s-soon to be memory... ((Only my family, will remember me.))
face of the clock and a gun at my fingertips. ((Try and try again.))
Awkward silences, I can't take you looking in. ((It's not worth it.))
Is this the fear that brings us to our knees? ((Fear of being close again?))
(Causing hearts) to disintegrate, ((Again, shattered.))
(I'll never) learn from the mistakes... ((Lestat, you are the damndest creature.))
a victim's torn to pieces. ((My second blood.))
Nothing can make this right. ((I know, I know!))
Say your goodbyes. ((So long world.))
Awkward silences, I can't take you looking in. ((Not now, you've declined.))
Is this the fear that brings us to our knees?... ((Fear of being close?))
to disintegrate, learn from the mistakes.. ((I have learned this one.))
a victim's torn to pieces.. ((Final blood.))

playlist.com doesn't have this one.
yay for youtube. [:






Today was tiring.
Only because I mostly slept today.

Monday out of ten: 6ish?

<2+1

In the future.

When we can all drive and I show up at your house only to find out your out with friends; where will I go? To your house, only to find out your out with friends too. Why wasn't I informed? Oh yeah..I'm not in the loop. I'm in between a bunch of people. So really, who are my friends? The ones that will always invite me places with them. The ones who'll never leave me all alone. The ones who listen because they care? I don't see them. My life has been shattered over and over. My friends are supposed to make me feel better. How come when I need you, your never there?!


Sunday out of ten: fucked.

Kill; Through these walls.

It may seem at last days passing mean nothing ((Everything I've said; nothing.))
But the suns that set cause only pain ((At night I soak my pillow; but for what?))
Violence in words like slashes wound deeply ((We both refused; at one time or another.))
Love is not when you feel only pain ((But pain is only what comes after love.))

Her touch poison flows through my veins ((Even the sight of her.))
No more I denounce all your childish games ((Too immature are your thoughts.))

Whispers (I hear your) ((But you defy my voice.))
Poison (flows in me) ((At the sight of you.))
Lost inside you I'm not free of you ((Please leave my mind.))
Break my bonds again ((Break me free of you!))

Love lost arrogant whore paint strife on this canvas ((Thanks whore.))
Failure I am a fool I should have seen ((I should've seen you for what you were.))

Whispers poison break my bonds again ((Please?!))
Love lost failure ((I am that failure.))
I should have seen ((That I wasn't meant for you.))
I should have seen ((That you will attain more than I could ever dream.))

Pretty much doing nothing today.
Holler at me if you wanna go do something tonight, maybe movies? 352 255 6319

Sunday out of ten: 6

Spit; into the wind.

The hands come from the ground(x2) ((Clawing at me?))
Don't fear life ((It only wants to embrace you.))
We came and saw ((EVERYTHING.))
This has no meaning ((Only a little.))
I touch the sky ((Barely.))
As it's burning ((It hurts..))

This bottles half way empty ((The worlds out to get me.))
Cause your glass is half way full ((You have everything going for you.))
Can you please go without me ((It's easy.))
I swear that everything's alright ((For you at least.))
(It's not my money he owes) ((No, not at all.))

And you say ((You don't want to talk?))
The way we go ((Isn't the yellow brick road.))
It's just as terrible ((As everything I've ever known.))
I can't turn around ((Because the past is the past.
YEA! ((Duh.))
Beware, before I allow them running away ((Ensnared in my glare.))
Can you run? ((Only as fast as, those in front.))

O whoa o, o whoa o, o wha-ah-oh-o-ah-o

Can't stop while the rhythm is going ((Too slow.))
Just say the first words that come along to your head ((No matter how true[[or mean.]]))
One touch and it's already over ((Damn, that was fast.))
I'm not ready, I'm barley sober ((Please, and you knew this.))
I just can't forget you, ((It's not possible.))
I'd do anything to get you ((Still not possible.))
I don't want to get you, ((No, just friends, please?! But I will never beg.))
I just want to forget you. ((It'd be much easier, if still impossible.))

We can't go back ((The past is the past.))
(And we can't go back)
Take a deep breath ((Forget it all.))
And go for her ((You know you want him.))
And two weeks have past ((Almost 3 months.))
(I've haven't seen you since) ((Talked anyhow..))
In spreaded letters ((Super spaces.))
Just forget her ((But I try, soooo hard.))

One thing remains ((Just one?))
Save the cheerleader, ((Oh, the irony.))
Save the world! ((My world.))

Oh yeah, we won our baseball game. 15-7. woot?

Saturday out of ten: 8

Oh Jeez.

Try to numb the pain, with alcohol and pills.
But it won't repair your trust.
You can't stand on two fucking feet.
With a substance as a crutch.


But I can try really, really hard. <2+1

Here I am, once again. just like a pack of wolves. ((I'm telling you how it is.))
the skies were once paved with gold, now they rain on us all. ((But of course I made it rain.))
i've made my bed so i'll lie in it. i've dug my grave so i'll die in it. ((And I've dug it deep.))
tell all my friends i said goodbye, clenched teeth and fluttering eyes ((I've tried this.))
i cant go on like this. ((It's just too hard.))
just like the living dead, i've got a taste for something. ((Living Flesh.))
and i dont want it, i just need it. ((To survive.))
and i cant believe that its getting harder just to feel alive. ((Because oh you know it is.))
curtains close- take a bow. i think we fooled all of them now. ((Put on that smile.))
who you are, what you say, what you do each and every single day. ((Makes me, breaks me.))
i've made my bed so i'll lie in it. i've dug my grave so god help me die in it. ((Please?!))
& i dug my grave. so ill lie in it. i've made my bed, so ill die in it. ((Yes.))

I'D RATHER LIVE, THAN LIVE FOREVER ((Really? Not me.))

im knocking on deaths door, but your already dead. ((To me.))
its either now or fucking never. and that night, we meant every word we said. ((I did, I swear.))
all i can say for sure is, were coming out tonight ((Death welcome me.))
all i can say for sure is, were coming up tonight ((God, hearken to me.))

By the way, all the things in ((---)) are things I said that pertains to that part of the song. Lawl.

If I can't escape you, why must I dream of you too?

Today is going to be busy. Baseball, then Band. Yay.

<2+1

Hey, heyy.

The circumstances I was in when I refused were much different than they are now. But of course, maturity comes with age. That at least, you lack. Doing something out of spite is ridiculous.


Today was ok, I guess.

Friday out of ten: 4

Well Damn.

Fathom. What a word. I was going to write a sentence with that word in it. But I don't want too. If you won't talk to me, then why the fuck should I let you read my inner thoughts. I'm done with this shit. If you wanna know anything from me you guys can talk to me. I'm done with blogspot until they install a blocking feature.

Love you guys. <2+1

Real Eyes, Realize, Real Lies..

So today pretty much was very boring. I thought about everything going on all day. I've summed up all my problems. I'm not over you. I don't know what to do. Looking at you still kills me. Doing this play with you is murder. I even have to sit at that table and make conversation with you, even if it's just mouthed words and hand gestures. I know it might seem like I act very cold towards you, but I love you and I have no clue what I'm doing. I'm stumbling on through life not thinking about much and I even cut you off at the door yesterday and I felt like a complete jerk. "/ I love you and I'm sorry I made everything turn out this way.


I guess the above post turned out being posted towards on individual. You can guess who. It's easy.

Monday out of ten: 5

uhm.

I feel like kicking the shit out of something. I want to punch and kick and bite and gnaw and kill anything and everything in my path until my body refuses to move or until i die. I've made the decision. I am closing my heart off to everyone and everything. If for some reason I don't change around you, then you know it's because I consider you a true friend. I don't have many and sorry if you consider yourself one of my true friends but I might not. Nothing against you. But I need stability right now. I'll be on auto-pilot for awhile. Thanks to you few that care. <2+1

Fuck Everything.

Well..my actual life is doing ohkay. My heart is another story. Let's not get into it. Maybe I should close it off for good until I know it's safe again. I'll end up going through a stage of doing whatever the fuck I want with anyone, my relationships won't be serious, and I might do something really stupid. But I really have no idea what else to do..

fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck.
what the fuck is happening. Someone help? I don't know how you can help me, but I need fucking help. It's as if my life is falling apart right in front of my eyes and there isn't anything I can do about it..


Sunday out of ten: 4

Hahaha.

So last night me and Hunter decided to go to the jiffy store and get some old black guy to get us some blacks. On our way their a policeman passes us. I was like, "Fuck Hunter, thats a cop!" and I ditched our cig's and the pipe I had on me. He races apst me knocking off my flashlight. So I had to stop and get it and the next thing I know I'm being ID'd by a policeman. He told us we had to call someone over 18 to come get us. I tried the resonable option first, I called my dad like a million times, his cell phone and the house phone. No answer. So I tried calling family friends, no answer. So finally I called Wayne. Yes Alex's dad, Wayne. He called back not 2 minutes later and asked what I needed, I told him and he came and got us and took me home. We walked in the back door and my dad was still sleeping in the chair. xD What a great escape. Too bad we lost the pipe and the cig's too. The cop didn't even search us. D:

saturday out of ten: 9

Well then.

Today was better and I can tell you why. I didn't speak to noelle alllllllll day. Perfect. If you didn't talk to her allllll day, you'd know how I'm feeling. [: Anyhow, today was good after school.

Overall Day Rating out of ten: 7

Fuck.

My stomach hurts.

Hard to know.

Today was pretty good. Hannah talked to me about some things and I'm really going to give this a good thinking over. My mom is going crazy, more and more slowly every day. Tonight she called the police on my dad for no reason. Like I just came home and she's going off on him because she told him not to come back. Life is freaking ridiculous; but we have to live it all the same. Timone needs to learn her place. (I'm going to use random made-up names because I don't want to use real ones. xP) Just because someone tells you they like you doesn't give you the right to lead them on all the time and make them feel like shit. Then after you do it and I feel like shit your like, "aww, whats wrong? please tell me, I care." Really? You care? Way to be a bitch. Fuck you. Seriously. That's really all I have to say for now.

Yeah.

6:17 p.m.
I wasn't feeling all that great emotionally yesterday. But I guess today was a little better. I really don't have anything interesting to say right now.

I want to Blow everything up.

5:41 p.m.
I really, really can't decide on what to write. Time to ramble..

So I've been thinking a lot lately. About everything. I have conjured some reasoning.

God doesn't exist.
Life is indeed pointless.
School blows unless you do your homework.
School is for the gathering of friends.
My life blows.

So their yuh go. That's what I've been thinking about forever. The end.


8:28 p.m.
Ever get the feeling where your chest tightens when you think about something going away forever and you can't breathe and you just want to roll over and die? I feel that way 24/7. If you ever want to experience what you would call hell; step into my shoes for a week. Fuck, all you gotta do is go back to January 31rst of '08 and you'll see what hell is in the week following. I dare you. Of course, it's all in the past, of course there's a bazillion more fish in the sea; I've heard all of that shit many times over. Really though I was tired of hearing it the second time it was said, much less the millionth. I mean I know people care about me a lot and stuff. But for some reason I really don't care. My mind is so fucked up right now that I think if you were me, you'd be either crazy or dead. You'd wondour about the same things i wondour about. How easy is death, it's too easy. Which is one of the reasons why I chose to live. There aren't many reasons.

I'd rather suffer.
My friends.
My family.

Those are the only reasons I'm alive. If your part of that, congratulations and I thank you. If not, then please shut the fuck up because I don't need your shit.

Did I finally just fuck everything up?

Well something happened yesterday and only two people are going to know about it. Don't ask me what it was because I'm in no position to tell you. I know why I did it, but I'm not sure if I'm just ruining someone the life of another person. I feel like a jerk too. But then again I'm not sure if I want to fall all over again. It was great, but only while it lasted because in the end nothing mattered.

February 8th, 2009. 6:21 p.m.
Well today was ohkay I guess. It wasn't bad, and it wasn't good. I kept thinking about the same thing over and over all day. I just can't get it out of my head. And I'm not sure if I really wanted to do that. Even though I did at the time. Really now, what have I done?

Hmm.

My head hurts and my sister is going to the dance and I just spent like 25 minutes on her hair. Uhg.

February 6th, 2009. 5:30 p.m.
Well I guess I can't write right now. I have to leave for the square. So long.

10:07 p.m.
Well I heard some good advice tonight and it got me thinking. Maybe I need a break from the emotional stress of a relationship. But I also realized that once I had a taste of something real, I want it again. Almost like a drug. I don't really want to take a break, even if I do need it. Let's take a poll? Who thinks I need a break? Comment away.

Today.

I found a new motto that I seem to be obsessing over. A world without Love is a world without Hatred. I don't really know how true that would be. But I seem to be sticking by it. I think the best way I could explain it is; How do you really know what Love or Hatred is unless you experienced both? You don't; you only know how you think it feels, but you're not quite sure. Also, if you have only experienced what you thought was love once; how are you certain it was love at all? You can't possibly be. So that's my theory on that. But of course I'm the only one that knows that really means. Silly silly. Really now? I'm a little excited on doing this blog, if only to write everything down. I wish i could carry this blog with me throughout my day. No one would ever know the extent of everything I would write in it. xD

February 5th, 2009. 4:31 p.m.
Well today was ohkay I guess. Not the best of days; Then again not the worst of days. How many days must one live to find the one day you hate the most? Or to find the one day you love the most? The answer is ALL of them. So I guess you won't ever really know which day was your favourite, or which was your worst till your death. But of course you'll know which one it is so far, haha.

4:59 p.m.
So, if it works it works, if not what the fuck ever.

Well.

I think I've been through it all; Love, Hatred, Suicide, Drugs, Sex, Bisexuality, and more. But is death really what I want? In truth, it's not. But it is still a fascinating idea. I guess I'll have to start with today, and just go from their. This will be sort of a diary that (everyone?) people can read.

February 4th, 2009. 9:18 p.m.
Today was ok I guess. Nothing to wrong; but nothing to right either. Is she running away from me, or just avoiding me until the right time? No one knows but her. Then again, theirs her. It's been awhile, we've been through a whole load of shit, but she knows what I'm going through the most. The other aren't going to happen. I'll get over that easily. We'll see how this day draws to a close. I'll be having a conversation with one some more a little bit later.