Nothing gets better

so.. i dont even know where to begin. maybe at the very beginning 15 years ago when i started out my bad decision making habits? who knows. but its all led up to this. sure you can say, "well you brought it upon yourself." and of course thats true. i did. through my own bad decision making. now i cant escape it. its clenched fists held above me but now its bringing me to my knees. i dont know what to do anymore. im done. im done trying, caring, giving, helping, doing anything. im going to sit at my house and be fucking lazy and not go anywhere or do anything. even then im fucked cus nothing is going to get better from here on out. Everyting keeps getting WORSE. WHY? why me? oh woe is me, blah blah blah. FUCK THIS SHIT MAN. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK! i know you cant hear or see me but i am truly broken. i am down for the count who knows when ill get back up. i dont know what to do. at all. i have no hopes or dreams or goals. every time i get one i see it smashed in my face. every time i actually put forth effort and try at something i fail. EVERY FUCKING TIME. whats the point anymore? im not seeing one.. i wish i had someone who i could just tell all these things too and that would hold me and comfort me and i could just cry and cry and cry. but i dont. so i have this. and this doesnt even help. it makes me feel stupid because im putting all this shit out there. whatever..

My Birthday

I hate nights like last night where i just feel all depressed and shit. It happens. But the start of my birthday couldn't have gone better. [:

I bought my first legal pack of ciggs at 2:15am lol! i wanted a celebratory cigar, but that can wait for in the morning. I'm going to bed soon. Today is going to be a GREAT day.

Happy 18th birthday self. :P

Its just...

I'm so sad.

How am I supposed to feel?

Everyday I find myself getting weaker and weaker. I know I have to stay strong but what am I supposed to live for? Sure there are people out there that care. But what about myself? What am I supposed to live for. I have nothing.. I continuously fuck up everything good that EVER happens to me. Whether it be school, a girlfriend, an amazing job, or even just driving down the road. I FUCK IT UP. I never learn from my mistakes. What good is it being human if I never learn? I'm like that retarded monkey who never learns to peel the banana before he takes a bite. I now have nothing at all. My so called "friends" are fading away. I'm becoming what I always feared. A distant memory. If I had succeeded in my suicide 4 years ago. would it have made that much difference? I'm still the fading memory. I'm still nothing at all. I haven't improved even a smidgen. I try and change for people. I do everything I can to assure your happiness and you threw me away, for what? WHY? I will never understand and every time I think of it it brings tears to my eyes. I tried SO hard for you. Of course I'm not over you. But I won't let you get me down. I'll toss you to the side in the same way. You made me incredibly happy every day in a way I cant even explain. And now its over. I never did anything to you. Not even once i swear. Why'd you drop me like that? Thats all I want to know from you. why? But its ok i dont care if i ever find out. Mary Jane will always be there to smooth things out. I cant sleep now. Im going to go have a cigarette, a cheap replacement for the weed im currently out of.

Ive Decided...

that I shall be writing a shit ton of stuff from now on. heres to another night sitting alone in bed. another night wishing i had friends. another night hoping that something will dramatically change my life tomorrow for the better. another night hoping to get a call back from some kind of company for a job. another dreamless night. another night trying to talk to people who dont even want to talk back. another night wishing i could find happiness. another night where sleep only comes when i want it too. i dont know why i am writing i only know that i am writing. if no one will listen, then hear ye blog. you shall be my eternal listener for you will never lie to me, cheat on me, make me false promises. you will never be a tough world. heres to mary jane, shes always listened and held me when i needed her most. shes never abused me or treated me wrong. i wish there was a woman out there like mary jane. every time i use her she helps me in some way shape or form. whether its to calm me for sleep or to bring friends together. i wish someone would just fall into my life and fit perfectly. i wish things were easier, but not just for me, for everyone.