How am I supposed to feel?

Everyday I find myself getting weaker and weaker. I know I have to stay strong but what am I supposed to live for? Sure there are people out there that care. But what about myself? What am I supposed to live for. I have nothing.. I continuously fuck up everything good that EVER happens to me. Whether it be school, a girlfriend, an amazing job, or even just driving down the road. I FUCK IT UP. I never learn from my mistakes. What good is it being human if I never learn? I'm like that retarded monkey who never learns to peel the banana before he takes a bite. I now have nothing at all. My so called "friends" are fading away. I'm becoming what I always feared. A distant memory. If I had succeeded in my suicide 4 years ago. would it have made that much difference? I'm still the fading memory. I'm still nothing at all. I haven't improved even a smidgen. I try and change for people. I do everything I can to assure your happiness and you threw me away, for what? WHY? I will never understand and every time I think of it it brings tears to my eyes. I tried SO hard for you. Of course I'm not over you. But I won't let you get me down. I'll toss you to the side in the same way. You made me incredibly happy every day in a way I cant even explain. And now its over. I never did anything to you. Not even once i swear. Why'd you drop me like that? Thats all I want to know from you. why? But its ok i dont care if i ever find out. Mary Jane will always be there to smooth things out. I cant sleep now. Im going to go have a cigarette, a cheap replacement for the weed im currently out of.

Ive Decided...

that I shall be writing a shit ton of stuff from now on. heres to another night sitting alone in bed. another night wishing i had friends. another night hoping that something will dramatically change my life tomorrow for the better. another night hoping to get a call back from some kind of company for a job. another dreamless night. another night trying to talk to people who dont even want to talk back. another night wishing i could find happiness. another night where sleep only comes when i want it too. i dont know why i am writing i only know that i am writing. if no one will listen, then hear ye blog. you shall be my eternal listener for you will never lie to me, cheat on me, make me false promises. you will never be a tough world. heres to mary jane, shes always listened and held me when i needed her most. shes never abused me or treated me wrong. i wish there was a woman out there like mary jane. every time i use her she helps me in some way shape or form. whether its to calm me for sleep or to bring friends together. i wish someone would just fall into my life and fit perfectly. i wish things were easier, but not just for me, for everyone.

oh jeez. <3

so this weekend. was amazing. and I would repeat it over and over again. I can't believe I found someone like her. she's amazing. <3 I can't wait to see her again. [: I hope I win my game tomorow, cus she'll be there. lawl. [:

school today

is gunna either blow balls or be ok. last night was ridiculous and it doesn't need to happen ever again. /: I need help.

uhhh

I hasn't posted in awhile. all in all day of silence went pretty good. thank you guys who understood and you guys that joined in. I love you all. <333

Friday out of ten: 9

ahaha

it's three am and I just toked it up with my cat. he's so high. xD
spring break so far ((7/10))

aha. [:

I'm a shy mofucka. xD we only got to hang for like twentyish minutes. if it had been longer woudlnt have been as nrvous aha today was good. friday((8))10 <3