Nothing gets better

so.. i dont even know where to begin. maybe at the very beginning 15 years ago when i started out my bad decision making habits? who knows. but its all led up to this. sure you can say, "well you brought it upon yourself." and of course thats true. i did. through my own bad decision making. now i cant escape it. its clenched fists held above me but now its bringing me to my knees. i dont know what to do anymore. im done. im done trying, caring, giving, helping, doing anything. im going to sit at my house and be fucking lazy and not go anywhere or do anything. even then im fucked cus nothing is going to get better from here on out. Everyting keeps getting WORSE. WHY? why me? oh woe is me, blah blah blah. FUCK THIS SHIT MAN. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK! i know you cant hear or see me but i am truly broken. i am down for the count who knows when ill get back up. i dont know what to do. at all. i have no hopes or dreams or goals. every time i get one i see it smashed in my face. every time i actually put forth effort and try at something i fail. EVERY FUCKING TIME. whats the point anymore? im not seeing one.. i wish i had someone who i could just tell all these things too and that would hold me and comfort me and i could just cry and cry and cry. but i dont. so i have this. and this doesnt even help. it makes me feel stupid because im putting all this shit out there. whatever..

My Birthday

I hate nights like last night where i just feel all depressed and shit. It happens. But the start of my birthday couldn't have gone better. [:

I bought my first legal pack of ciggs at 2:15am lol! i wanted a celebratory cigar, but that can wait for in the morning. I'm going to bed soon. Today is going to be a GREAT day.

Happy 18th birthday self. :P

Its just...

I'm so sad.

How am I supposed to feel?

Everyday I find myself getting weaker and weaker. I know I have to stay strong but what am I supposed to live for? Sure there are people out there that care. But what about myself? What am I supposed to live for. I have nothing.. I continuously fuck up everything good that EVER happens to me. Whether it be school, a girlfriend, an amazing job, or even just driving down the road. I FUCK IT UP. I never learn from my mistakes. What good is it being human if I never learn? I'm like that retarded monkey who never learns to peel the banana before he takes a bite. I now have nothing at all. My so called "friends" are fading away. I'm becoming what I always feared. A distant memory. If I had succeeded in my suicide 4 years ago. would it have made that much difference? I'm still the fading memory. I'm still nothing at all. I haven't improved even a smidgen. I try and change for people. I do everything I can to assure your happiness and you threw me away, for what? WHY? I will never understand and every time I think of it it brings tears to my eyes. I tried SO hard for you. Of course I'm not over you. But I won't let you get me down. I'll toss you to the side in the same way. You made me incredibly happy every day in a way I cant even explain. And now its over. I never did anything to you. Not even once i swear. Why'd you drop me like that? Thats all I want to know from you. why? But its ok i dont care if i ever find out. Mary Jane will always be there to smooth things out. I cant sleep now. Im going to go have a cigarette, a cheap replacement for the weed im currently out of.

Ive Decided...

that I shall be writing a shit ton of stuff from now on. heres to another night sitting alone in bed. another night wishing i had friends. another night hoping that something will dramatically change my life tomorrow for the better. another night hoping to get a call back from some kind of company for a job. another dreamless night. another night trying to talk to people who dont even want to talk back. another night wishing i could find happiness. another night where sleep only comes when i want it too. i dont know why i am writing i only know that i am writing. if no one will listen, then hear ye blog. you shall be my eternal listener for you will never lie to me, cheat on me, make me false promises. you will never be a tough world. heres to mary jane, shes always listened and held me when i needed her most. shes never abused me or treated me wrong. i wish there was a woman out there like mary jane. every time i use her she helps me in some way shape or form. whether its to calm me for sleep or to bring friends together. i wish someone would just fall into my life and fit perfectly. i wish things were easier, but not just for me, for everyone.

oh jeez. <3

so this weekend. was amazing. and I would repeat it over and over again. I can't believe I found someone like her. she's amazing. <3 I can't wait to see her again. [: I hope I win my game tomorow, cus she'll be there. lawl. [:

school today

is gunna either blow balls or be ok. last night was ridiculous and it doesn't need to happen ever again. /: I need help.

uhhh

I hasn't posted in awhile. all in all day of silence went pretty good. thank you guys who understood and you guys that joined in. I love you all. <333

Friday out of ten: 9

ahaha

it's three am and I just toked it up with my cat. he's so high. xD
spring break so far ((7/10))

aha. [:

I'm a shy mofucka. xD we only got to hang for like twentyish minutes. if it had been longer woudlnt have been as nrvous aha today was good. friday((8))10 <3

holy shit. xD

ohkay. so me and kristina were in her car and daniel ans melissa in the other. they sped up and we followed speeding up too. he got in front of us and slammed brakes. little did we know omfg cop. xDD so we get pulled for doing sixty and we couldnt find the registration and ha no insurance card xD she she got three warnings instead of a two hundred fortyone dollar ticket. yay for nice cops. xD kristina no more stopping at yellow lights. jeez xD. all in all it was pretty freaking funn. and i gave her all my monies for gas. xDDD

fuck everything.

i hate my fucking parents. i am leaving this house when im sixteen. anyone know where i could stay please? i mean it seriously. i need somewhere to stay for the summer.

Hahaha. [:

So three things I cannot wait for.

Friday. [:
Tomorrow night!!
One night next week.

Tomorrow equals seeing The Devil Wears Prada, A Day To Remember, Emarosa, Sky Eats Airplane @ the HOB Orlando. ;D
That'll be so kickass.
Friday equals secret plans. [:
It will be kickass.
One night next week equals more secret plans. [: ((Includes seeing The Haunting of Connecticut :DD))

Jeez, I've been oh so sad and stuff forever. But she is exactly what I needed to kickstart my happy meter. [: I've been happier the past three days then I have been since the incident. And I HAD to write this to get out pent up happiness. My chest was booming. So yeah. I'll be excitable because of the concert and happier towards everyone. [:

Mon/10((7))
Tues/10((9))

<2+1

Square.

The square is pretty great. It's so easy to rid yourself of unwanted emotions there in the form of, being yourself! ;D I met this pretty great person tonight. Hopefully all goes well. She's really cute. <2+1
FUCK.

Friday out of ten: 8ish actually. [:

Yes Ally, I'm going to put up my ratings again, just for you! <2+1

I

I need to get away. Far, far away. Possibly oblivion far away. Will you see me ever again? If you did, would you recognize me? Who knows.

Alesana + Drop Dead, Gorgeous = a Bitchin' Kickass of a time. [:

So the concert was fucking great. as soon as we got their we moshed in the pit and James busted his lip. xDDD then we went back out after he went to the bathroom to clean up and moshed more. >D Freaking it was great until this huge fat chick decided to jump all over me. D< so i kicked her in the vag and she backed offf. so yeah it was fucking amazing. can't wait till Chaos and then AP tour. >DDD then after that, who knows? 8D



<2+1

No.

It's happening again. Why? I don't want to feel this way. I mean, I do, but I don't. I want it to happen, yet it never will? But if I try, it will ruin a great blooming friendship. I'll just let this one be. It's not worth it to ruin the friendship. Not at all.

JAMES!

It won't let me comment, otherwise I would have been the first. "/
Anyhow, here goes.

james,
your a pretty great friend. though sometimes i feel left out when you say stuff like you want to come over on sunday or whatever and you end up at kristinas. xP but the concerts shall make up for that. ;D your pretty much my best guy friend i have and i can tell you anything. i'm glad i have to you rant at and to get opinions on things from. thanks, without you i really don't think i could've made it this far. it's times like right now that i glad i met you and that were friends. thanks, really, for being their.

Haha..haa...ahh...well.

I really want to rant rant rant all about/too one person. but then again i don't. but i probably will anyway, like now...

you wanna know why? really, really why? it's because i love you. i really do. how could i not? it doesn't just go away. i tried waiting on it to go away. it doesn't. and before at least i had the option to talk to you. now i can't even do that. when you said you "never wanted to talk to me again." that one day. it was like the end of everything. and now it's like you've said it again. this time, you aren't in a rage, or anything; your you and that's your decision. theres nothing i can do about it but yeah. i absolutely hate grease. i was only doing it for you, and now mr riddle wont let me quit. so i have to sit in their with you right across the room for 2 hours. and i can't talk to you. much less look at you. it's still so hard to be at school and pay attention to anything. it's ridiculous. most of the time i have my head down and am thinking of you, or something to do with you. completely insane. fuck. i just want to go insane and have people spoon feed me the rest of my life. and i'm glad i found marijuana. it makes me a lot happier when i smoke and how everything melts away. it's freaking great. <2+1

ASDFGHJKL;

Everything is a lost cause. People are always telling me everything is going to be ohkay. But nothing is going to be ohkay until I move way far from here. Fresh start, I just keep telling myself. All you need is a fresh start next year at Leesburg. Just power through the rest of this year and you'll be fine. I need to make it. It matters very much towards my life. I have to get through this year. And I absolutely can't wait for school to be over. I'ma get fucked up and hit so many concerts. Believe it!
<2+1